disruption

Hilan, your so-called blog is getting so single-tracked i thought it my duty to disrupt it temporarily with some jottings and cat pictures. Dariush.

some notes on desire and its lack

1.

vorrei mostrarti il mio gatto

desire is supposed to be a visitor who comes to your house unannounced

but there's no doubt he's there knocking

rapping with a ramshead cane

and peering through the letterbox

top-hatted

grinning

you just have to decide whether or not to let him in

on this occasion

at this ungodly hour

sometimes he's very persuasive

and you get overpowered

but what if it's not like that

if desire is more like the shadow

of a nervous uncle

drooping his long fingers over the shoulders of the one you're with

and skittering away again

he wants to be invoked

he wants to be courted

with sherry drops

what kind of beast is this?

here are the keys to the cage where

i keep desire chained

he's a ragged mongrel thing

with orange and black fur in patches

he's a very small kitten

mewling to be fed

can't look after himself at all

maybe i should have just left him there in the street

2.

reminder - production of desire by means of desire

i want you with your eyes closed

with steel on your throat

with diamonds and red leather

with your eyes watering

and your mouth parting crying

the characteristic syllable

of your language

for pleasure, pain

(ai)

with four fishes

in your cunt

in your gut

i want you wearing boots

and gold straps

and white sandals

and your ankle curled

and your ankle flexed

and your sore knee

swollen

i want you with the bruise on your eye

the bruise on your jaw

the bruise on your thigh

i want you on top of me in the hammock

and across the hammock like a swing

and in the hammock next to me a sleepy child

like one of eight children

playing rollover in the hammock

a child in bahia

years ago

i want you with jaguars and owls

i want you in rio and são paulo

i want you in the atlantic forest

i want you in portugal

i want you in new york

and in rome

i want you like my sister

on an airplane

i want to make films with you

i want us to make an exhibition

photograph mongrels together

in planaltina

create a pantheon

of small animals

in hotel leão

i want us flaunting our feelings for each other

in poems and short stories

i want us to plot crimes together

and confer with your mala friends

i want you to shelter me

from the immigration authorities

though i have to say

i still want to fuck all the women

the blondes and the mulattas

in shorts and cotton dresses

i see passing along my street

when i’m sitting smoking on the veranda

or lying in the hammock

naked, gently rocking

after you’ve gone

what can we do about that?

you’ve awoken wanting in me

and i don’t want it to stop

where in this new landscape

where we’ve dismissed all the hypocrites

from our bed from our heads

where we’ve refused to take anything

that’s not freely given

and said only wanting is true

where do we find limits

for our desires?

3.

re: uptake inhibition

why don't i ask

to kiss your mouth

which is colourless

the city is blue

we can't decipher the

white of the towers

beyond central station

silver of the bay

if it is silver

or something darker

i don't know maybe

i can't feel to touch

not very well

my lips are pin ends

without sense

even my fingers

don't feel much

or maybe

coming down the hill

at dawn

what beauty

no one cries there's

no harm

no harm done

it doesn't matter

that i don't reach

don't want

don't want much

after the ball of the hill of pleasures

after the ball of the powder kings

4.

resolution

my dream was we were lying on a mattress on the floor

you sat over me and first of all i was just kissing

the metal adornments that hung below your nipples

with pursed lips like a fish pecking glitter

up at the skin of the water

then we were kissing

i was ashamed that i don't have good lips and teeth

(what ana said she looks for in a man)

i wished i could make my mouth wide and soft

to hold your mouth

i have good hands and a great dick and

a too wicked mind

but my mouth is not my strongest point

it's true

but before i could prove it to you

we had to get up because there was milk

spilling all over the floor

from the broken fridge

real milk and water

we had to clean up

i think when i remember rio i will think of

always a dirty floor

of grit and fruit and chicken blood and rainwater and

cockroaches and

milk

and stick and stone a little bit alone etcetera

so i woke up and started thinking

the dream

which appeared as vivid and limited as real life

was telling me how to want you

which is what i want after all

i resolved

waking up alone

having kissed you goodbye in the dawn

5.

flames

firecrackers echo three times

that's the third time

you can make a drum out of the sky

the sky is skin like everything

when i hear gunshots i want to run there

i'm a coward but i'm attracted by fire

and i'm drawn to the end

in flames

that sound means someone may be dying

in that space after sound they are dying

next day you can read about it in the newspaper

if you believe

imagination has its limit

desire is bounded

6.

ele não come nada

he don’t eat, nada nada nada

we drank a fuck lot of cachaça

but i can’t say that’s the reason

ele não come nada

he's a complicated person, he says

more than a little perverted

but that’s not really an explanation

why can’t you explain more?

but you have to speak slow

you keep offering

honey cake

chocolate cake

biscuit of the morning

from your hands he won’t take anything sweet

but that’s not why he don’t eat

he will eat mamão

he will adore papaya

but she closes her fingers

over the fruit

she says

you don’t have to treat me gently

so he bites on her thighs

and the back of her knees

eats the muscles of her legs

she bites on the collar bone

purple and yellow, like maracuja

but he don’t eat, nada nada nada

and not for lack of hunger

and not for lack of trying neither

and not for too much cachaça

7.

aspiration

one day my body

will be as hard as my cock

my desire will be very strong

you'll take back everything

because you were wrong

(photos by salvatore - http://diarreadelviaggiatore.blogspot.com/)